Dojo Hard

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Perhaps the ultimate Crack!Fic. All-human (or nearly all, but there are demons) AU. It is the 17th Century in Japan (the Land of the Rising Sunnydale). A wandering minstrel known as ‘Chopstick’, who is also a ninja warrior, comes to the Shogunate of Sunnydale and comes into conflict with Shogun Giles and his ninja bodyguard Buffy Summers. Gilbert and Sullivan operetta meets Samurai movies, hentai, bad haiku, and blithe disregard for historical reality in a story that roughly – very roughly – follows the course of BtVS Season 2. Definitely not to be taken seriously even though there is character death. Rating R.

Dojo Hard

Part 1 (Prologue)

Angel bowed low before the Shogun. “This wandering minstrel is dangerous, Giles-sama,” he counseled. “He is more than he appears. He is a Ninja assassin. It is said that once he accepts a commission his target is as good as dead. He has fought two samurai sword-masters and killed them both.”

Giles folded his fan and frowned. “What is this minstrel called, Angel-san?”

“He is sometimes called Chopstick, because he slays those who criticize his haiku by driving chopsticks through their ears into their brains. Another name he uses is Willi-san the Bloody.”

“This Chopstick guy doesn’t scare me,” Buffy declared. The ninja girl rose to her feet. Angel gazed lustfully at her, his eyes particularly dwelling on the tiger tattoo that could just be seen peeking from under the edge of her kimono. Buffy’s hand went to her katana and she drew it in a lightning Iaijutsu move, struck at an imaginary opponent, and whirled the sword back into its scabbard in a continuation of the same motion.

“Uh, I kinda think you should watch out, Buffy-chan,” Willow, the shugenja sorceress, cautioned the swordswoman. “I got a bad feeling about this. Like I’m gonna end up hiding in a closet with that geisha Cordelia, or something. This Chopstick guy sounds pretty tough, you know?”

“Hey, no-one can beat the Buffster,” grinned the court taikomochi, Xander. “Lighten up, Will-chan. If all else fails, Buffy can always get her mom to hit this Chopstick with a naginata. Hey, anyone want sushi?”


Part 2


The characters in this story do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ©2002 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer trademark is used without express permission from Fox.