Buffy settled down to her shift at the Double Meat Palace with a happy smile on her face. She sang under her breath as she flipped burgers on the grill; managing to keep the Double Meat jingle at bay with the aid of Kylie Minogue’s ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’.
Anya was about to close the Magic Box for lunch, and was in the middle of locking the till when the shop bell jingled. She looked towards the door, a welcoming smile flashing across her face, which disappeared instantly as she recognised the figure coming through the door. Not a customer, bringing wealth to her enterprise, but merely an annoying and penniless vampire. “Go away, Spike, I’m closing for lunch,” she ordered. “Turn the sign to ‘Closed’ on your way out.”
“Anya,” Spike pleaded. “Help me. Please.” He turned the sign on the door to ‘Closed’ as requested, but did not leave.
Anya frowned. “What is it, Spike? It had better be either very important or very quick. Preferably both.”
“I’ve turned human,” he announced. “I think. Either that or I’ve gone mad. And I’ve got a lot of money. At least, I think I have.”
“Stop wasting my time, Spike, and go away.” Anya approached the former vampire with a determined expression, intending to take him by the elbow and firmly usher him out, but came to a halt and stared in astonishment. “I can see you in the security mirror! You really have turned human. How did you do it, Spike?”
“I didn’t!” he denied. “I woke up like this. I have no idea how it happened. I didn’t ask for it. There was a FedEx delivery at the crypt, and it was a box of documents, and credit cards, and the keys to a new car, and property deeds, and it was all too much to take in.” His voice was growing shriller and his words were coming out faster and faster as he went on. “And then I felt funny, and I went to the bathroom, and it was all different. And I was cold, and I could see my breath on the air, and I had goose bumps, and I saw myself in the telly glass, and – I’m frightened. I’m scared, Anya. I don’t want to be human.”
Anya put an arm over his shoulder and squeezed comfortingly. “Cheer up, Spike. Being human’s not so bad. Especially if you’ve got money. You did say there was money, didn’t you? You should be able to get a lot more orgasms now you’re human. Maybe even from Buffy.”
“You don’t understand. I was a pitiful excuse for a human.” Spike laughed hollowly. “If I wasn’t good enough for Buffy as a vampire, I’m even more beneath her notice as a human. And I’m not sure I’d even want her now anyway.”
“Nonsense. You’re extremely handsome. You have lovely blue eyes and exquisite cheekbones. Quite acceptable to any woman. You mentioned money. Show me the money.”
Anya examined the letters with great interest. “Have you driven the car yet?” she asked.
“Didn’t dare,” Spike admitted. “Haven’t even looked at it. I suppose it will be where I was storing the DeSoto. I’ll take a look later, maybe, but it wasn’t exactly my top priority.”
“You must show me later,” she told him. “I think you should call in to the realtor’s office soon. You’ll need to sign the sale agreement, if you want to accept the offer, that is. They seem eager to complete the sale. I’d do it right away, if I was you. Unless you want to hold out for more money, or to keep the castle.”
“What would I do with a castle? I’m not a poser like Drac. And I haven’t got a clue about if I should hold out for more dosh or not. You’re the one who’d know things like that.”
Anya smiled at him, glad that he was recognising her worth as an intelligent woman with valuable skills in the financial sphere. “I think you should accept. Delaying would only jeopardise the sale, and there can’t be many prospective purchasers for a castle in twenty-first century California. The office is not far from here. We could go now. You should make use of those credit cards too. You will need a more varied wardrobe if you are to take your place as a productive member of society, working alongside other humans in a capacity which makes use of your intellectual abilities instead of merely your brute strength.”
“Which I don’t have any more,” Spike pointed out. “Wait a minute, what do you mean ‘we could go now’?”
“I shall accompany you. I will advise you on the property sale, warning you of any hidden pitfalls, and I will also give you valuable recommendations about clothing choices and the correct way of conducting yourself in a shop. Lessons which will serve you well when you are purchasing wedding presents. In exchange, I will allow you to buy me lunch.”
“Lunch,” Spike sighed. “I’m hungry. In fact I’m so hungry it’s painful. I didn’t have a thing in the crypt I could eat. Okay, Anya, it’s a deal. Except – I want to phone Giles, and he’s, what, eight hours ahead of us? Better not leave it too late. Can I do it now? You know his number, don’t you?”
Giles didn’t believe Spike at first. In fact, he didn’t even believe that it was Spike on the phone until Anya intervened. Once convinced that it was no joke, he was fascinated. He asked questions, made comments about it being a shame he couldn’t see for himself, and gave Spike some advice, but didn’t volunteer to return to Sunnydale. The former vampire had been hoping that he would come back, and was disappointed that the offer was not forthcoming. Eventually he took the plunge and pleaded with Giles to come, promising to pay for the air ticket. Giles went silent for a while, but then agreed. He would be on his way as soon as he could get a flight, and should arrive within two days.
Once the phone call was over Anya put up a ‘Closed for Inventory’ sign and led Spike out into Sunnydale. “This is going to take a lot longer than an hour,” she declared. Spike didn’t know whether to be pleased or worried.
Three hours later the Jaguar S-Type pulled up outside the Magic Box and Anya and Spike climbed out. The former vampire was now wearing an Italian linen suit, an open-necked shirt of light grey cotton, soft leather shoes, and under the suit wore Calvin Klein boxer shorts. Carrier bags filled the boot, or as Anya would say the trunk, of the Jaguar. A Seiko Le Grand Sport Titanium watch adorned his wrist, and Ray-Ban Predator sunglasses shielded his eyes from the unaccustomed sunshine. His hair was fashionably short and, much to Spike’s astonishment, the sandy brown colour it had been in life. He hadn’t even realised that his bleached locks had reverted to their natural hue until he saw himself in a mirror at the Mall.
His new-found wealth had diminished by more than two thousand dollars. On the other hand, Anya had negotiated discounts on his purchases which had probably saved him hundreds, and he now had a fully comprehensive wardrobe which would, Anya assured him, fill all his needs for quite a while. He had the keys to the apartment in his pocket, the monetary part of the property deal was being transferred to his bank account, and he had two hundred dollars in cash in his wallet.
He had enjoyed the afternoon, much to his surprise. Shopping with Anya was an unforgettable experience, rather like accompanying the hordes of Genghis Khan in their invasion of Khwaresm would have been. Although even the Great Khan’s elite guard wouldn’t have matched Anya for ruthless efficiency and single-minded determination in the pursuit of an objective. He had allowed her to take control and make the decisions; and as far as he could tell she had done a marvellous job. Swept along in her wake, he had found himself forgetting the fears which had filled him earlier and taking pleasure in the sensations he was experiencing in this living body, sensations he had not experienced in over a hundred and twenty years. The warmth of sunlight on his skin. Food on human taste buds; the simple lunch they had snatched at the Mall had been a revelation. And driving the Jaguar was sheer delight.
Anya shot into the shop at great speed, and came out a moment later with her camera. She made Spike pose beside the car and took several photographs. “These will look stunning,” she commented. “You really do look remarkably attractive, Spike. You will be having orgasms between Buffy’s legs in no time.”
Spike’s contended mood vanished immediately. “Can’t see it,” he frowned. He refrained from telling Anya that he no longer wanted to get between Buffy’s legs. He’d been there, seen it, done it, and been pushed away afterwards too many times. When he thought about Buffy the first thing that came to mind was pain and rejection. “Was too much of a monster for her before, but I’ll be too much of a puny human for her now.” He opened the car door. “I think I’ll head off and take a look at the apartment now. And I suppose I’ll have to get some food in. Maybe some cutlery, and crockery, and pans and stuff. I know there’s supposed to be some of that included in the ‘furnished’ bit, but I’d best take a look-see at what’s actually there while there’s still time to buy stuff. God, it’s going to take some getting used to, this human thing. Thanks for the help, Anya. I might actually be able to cope by myself now. I think.”
“Dawn will be getting out of school very soon,” Anya reminded him. “Why don’t you go and pick her up in your impressive new car? I’m sure she’d be thrilled.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sure she’d be so surprised she’d have a heart attack,” Spike replied. “No, love, I’ll let you break the news to everyone. If you don’t mind, that is.”
“Of course I will, although I would have thought you’d have wanted to do it yourself.” Anya tilted her head on one side and stared at the young man, her lips pursing. “You’ve changed, Spike.”
“Well, yes, I had noticed. My hair’s changed colour, I could read the small print without glasses, I’m not poverty stricken, and, oh yes, I’m not a vampire any more. Just a few small things which I might have overlooked if you hadn’t pointed it out.”
Anya laughed, and then turned serious once more. “There’s more to it than that. Haven’t you noticed? Your voice has changed. That’s why Giles didn’t recognise you on the phone. You used to sound like Bob Hoskins, now you sound like Hugh Grant. And you haven’t sworn all afternoon. Not a single ‘sodding’ or ‘bloody’. It’s not like you.”
Spike was horrified. “Hugh Grant? That wimp? Oh, no! Tell me it’s not so.”
“Or Giles, perhaps,” Anya went on. “Only younger.” She chuckled at his stricken expression. “It is cute. Only in an emphatically masculine way. The sort of voice that James Bond should have. Don’t be embarrassed about it.”
“I’ve turned back into my human self,” Spike moaned. “William the Bloody Awful Poet. This is terrible.”
“Poet?” Anya asked. “You were a poet?”
“Not now, love, please. Got to go.” Spike climbed into the car and closed the door. Anya knocked on the window, and reluctantly Spike pressed the button to slide it down.
“You are going to come back this evening,” she ordered. “About seven. I’ll gather everyone together, and we can make a big announcement, and surprise everyone. And then, if you’re still worried about things, we can do some research and try to find out how this has happened.”
Spike hesitated. He had thought of perhaps calling on Tarantula and showing off his new car to her; and seeing if she would still be interested in him now he wasn’t a vampire any more. But he did want to know more about what had happened to him, and the Scoobies were the only people who might be able to help him look into it until Giles arrived; and seeing Xander’s reaction to the Evil Undead not being undead any more might be rather fun. “Okay. About seven,” he agreed, and started the engine. “And thanks. For everything.”
“That’s okay,” Anya smiled. “We ex-demons have to stick together.”
Buffy stopped just outside the crypt. Should she knock? She usually just threw the door open and walked in; heedless of what Spike might be doing, because as a vampire he had no right to privacy. However, now he would be a human, if Halfrek had lived up to her promise, so his rights should be respected. But if she knocked, he’d notice that she was acting unusually, and would suspect that she knew about his transformation in advance. She made a decision, and put her hand to the door, which swung open at a touch; it hadn’t been closed.
Frowning, she stepped into the crypt. “Spike? Are you here?” she called. There was no answer. She moved further in, and saw his leather coat lying in a heap on the floor. ‘So, looks like at least part of the wish worked, ‘cause Spike, never without the coat,’ she thought. There was no sign of Spike. ‘Must be at whatever new apartment the wish gave him. D’oh! Shoulda thought of that.’ She decided to check the lower level out, just in case he was down there and asleep, and she made her way carefully down the ladder.
It was pitch dark down there; Spike usually had at least a couple of candles lit, but there was not a glimmer of light now, and no trace of the usual faint smell of incense mingled with cigarette smoke. Instead there was an acrid smell reminiscent of fireworks, and a smell like decaying meat. She took the flashlight from her coat pocket and shone it around. His bed was empty, as she had expected. The floor around it was covered with yellow, evil smelling, slime; fragments of what looked like some kind of eggshell; and pieces of king crabs, or at least something similar. A baseball bat lay on the ground, covered in slime, and there were shotgun shells scattered all around.
She climbed back up the ladder feeling somewhat perturbed. Had there been a fight down there in the lower level? Was Spike all right? She hunted around the top level until she found his weapons chest, and saw his shotgun stashed away inside. It smelled as if it had recently been fired, and this set her mind at ease. If Spike had lost a battle his conquerors wouldn’t have bothered to put his gun away carefully in the proper place. Perhaps he had been attacked; but if so he had been victorious.
She was relaxed and happy by the time she left the crypt. She’d seen several envelopes scattered on the floor, and had given in to curiosity and investigated them. They were mostly empty, but she did find a set of terms and conditions of use for an MBNA Visa credit card. It certainly looked as if the wish had been granted. Spike human, and with visible means of support. Yay! No doubt he would call at the house later; he’d expect her to be at work right now. Although, he’d know Dawn would be home, so he might have already gone there. She’d better get back ASAP. Actually, best if he wasn’t there when she got home; it would be good to have a chance to shower, get rid of that Double Meat smell, before meeting Human Spike. Yummy human Spike, all the taste of vampire Spike but now without that disapproval from friends factor. Available from your neighbourhood Vengeance Demon, buy now and avoid the rush. Every Slayer should have one. “I just can’t get U out of my head, boy your loving is all I think about …”