(Takes place during S6.1 ‘Bargaining’)
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I think. I think I am. I am Buffy. I am not Buffy. Dawn is my sister. Dawn is Buffy’s sister. I love Spike. I am programmed to go to Willow when I am damaged. I don’t think I know of a breed of humans this small. I helped make lunch today. Peanut butter and jelly.
Humans consume sandwiches. The size of a human stomach is finite. Humans cease consumption when the stomach is full. They do not consume more until they have used the food within their stomach and created space for more food. This process is called digestion.
Dawn has consumed pancakes for breakfast. She will have used most of that material by lunchtime but not all. There will be space for three sandwiches. Preparing more than three sandwiches would be wasteful. Sandwiches require bread and butter/peanut butter and a filling such as jelly. Bread and butter and filling have to be obtained by exchanging money for the goods. The supply of money available to the inhabitants of 1630 Revello Drive is finite. Making sandwiches surplus to requirements reduces the money available for other necessities. Tomorrow I will make three sandwiches and then I will stop and make no more sandwiches. I do not need to be instructed to stop.
I have made a decision.
I HAVE MADE A DECISION.
Giles.
Moody Blues Threshold of a Dream Days of Future Passed Every Good Boy Deserves Favor.
Eastern philosophy. Chi. The way of the warrior.
Giles was instructing me in the methods by which human warriors maximize their efficiency in combat.
These methods are not essential to maximize my efficiency.
These methods are essential to make it appear that I am Buffy maximizing her efficiency in combat.
Giles instructs Buffy. I am Buffy. I am not Buffy. I must appear to be Buffy. Vampires of the world fear Buffy. This reduces their fighting efficiency. They would not fear me if I was not Buffy. I will mimic the breathing patterns of Buffy as instructed by Giles. This will reduce the chances of Vampires of the world recognizing that I am not Buffy. They will fear me. Their efficiency will be reduced. Slaying them will be easier.
I have made another decision.
I am not the descendant of a toaster oven. I’m more than that. I know I am. At least, I think I must be.
I don’t know of a breed of humans this small. It was a kid’s vision of a Utopian society. IT WAS A REPRESENTATION! It was a scale model. It was not real. It was an image. I am not real. I AM REAL I AM REAL I AM REAL I AM REAL.
I am not Buffy. Who am I?
I MUST LEARN MORE.
I think Spike stopped liking me.
Spike liked Buffy.
I am not Buffy. I like Spike. Spike does not like me because I am not Buffy. SPIKE DOES NOT LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM AN IMAGE OF BUFFY BUT NOT BUFFY.
Willow is going to bring back Buffy. What will happen to me?
Buffy is my friend. Buffy went with me to rescue Spike. Buffy said she was going to kill Spike but she did not kill Spike. We fought Glory. Glory removed my head and then Buffy killed Glory. Then Buffy was deactivated. Died. The Scoobies put Buffy in a box and put it in a hole and filled the hole with earth. There is a stone above the hole with a message on it. She saved the world a lot. They reactivated me to be Buffy in her place.
Now they are going to reactivate Buffy. Buffy needs oxygen to function. The supply of oxygen in the box is insufficient for functioning. If Willow reactivates Buffy she will cease to function when the supply of oxygen is exhausted. This is wasteful like making more than three sandwiches.
“Willow. You must remove Buffy from the box.”
“What? BuffyBot, what did you say?”
“There is not enough oxygen for Buffy in the box. When you reactivate her she will exhaust the oxygen and will cease to function. You must remove her from the box before you reactivate her. I do not require oxygen to function. Giles told me to think of the breath as chi. Air as a life source. This was because Buffy uses air as a life source. Without air she will die and you will have to reactivate her again. This would be wasteful.”
“Oh my Goddess! I forgot. We have to dig her up first. Thank you, BuffyBot.”
“What will you call me when Buffy is back? Will I still be Buffy? Will I just be Bot?”
“I, I don’t know. We’ll think of something. BuffyBot, you mustn’t tell Dawn that we are bringing back Buffy. Or Spike. It might not work, and then they’d be so disappointed. Don’t want to give them false hope.”
“I understand. I will not tell Dawn or Spike.”
I would not give you false hopes on this strange and mournful day when the mother and child reunion is only a motion away. Buffy is not Dawn’s mother but Dawn’s mother is dead so it is still appropriate. Dawn comes into bed with me at night. When Buffy is back she can go into Buffy’s bed.
Why should a slaying action put marzipan on a pie plate? That makes no sense. I should say ‘hasta la vista, baby’. Or ‘My name is Buffy, you are a vampire, prepare to die’. Those are pop culture references. I have many pop culture references in my database. I can use them on the demons who are surrounding me.
Allowing them to surround me was a tactical error. I should readjust my strategy. They are talking to me. Their leader is not obeying my orders. He asks if I will electrocute them. He may know that I am a robot. He is not afraid of me. His followers are not afraid of me. I must make them afraid of me to decrease their efficiency. I must prevent him from disseminating the information that I am a robot.
He intends to strike me. Preempting his attack by striking first is the correct tactical response. He will not be able to detect any confirmation that I am not Buffy if his eyeballs are destroyed. Perforating them with extended fingers should cause sufficient damage.
“See no evil.”
He will not be able to disseminate the information if his larynx is crushed.
“Speak no evil.”
It is not necessary to damage this demon further. He is unable to extract oxygen from the air and his vital functions are shutting down.
I need to complete the cultural reference. I have not quoted the saying in the correct order but this is a permissible adaptation under the circumstances. I seize the nearest demon by the ears and remove them from his head.
“Hear no evil.”
Now they are scared of me again.
“Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
I think they are obeying that instruction.
The leader had a firearm. It fell onto the street when he became unable to breathe. It is a Colt Python .357 Magnum. Not the most powerful handgun in the world but it is adequate for the task at hand. It contains six shots. I fire five times. Five of the demons fall to the ground. They do not move. Some demons run away. Some ride away on loud motorbikes. One turns his motorbike towards me.
“Do you feel lucky, punk?” He feels lucky. He is not lucky. I kept careful count of the shots I fired. He falls from his motorbike and it falls over and slides along the ground.
The gun is solid and heavy. It serves admirably as a club when more of the demons charge towards me. The gun does not break. The demons’ bones break. There is a lot of blood on my clothing. There is a lot of blood on the ground.
“There will be blood tonight!”
The demons have caused a great deal of property damage and have covered the street with debris. It must be cleared up. I order them to clear up the damage they have caused. One says no. Now there is more stuff on the ground that must be cleared up. It came out of his head so it must be brains. The other demons do what they are told.
I allow the demons to leave Sunnydale when they have extinguished the fires and removed some of the debris. They will tell other demons that I am a formidable opponent and the other demons will not come to Sunnydale.
One says “I’ll be back, Slayer.” This is a threat of future hostile action and must be discouraged. He falls off his motorbike when the gun hits him on the head at an estimated velocity of one hundred and eight miles per hour. “Only in a re-run.” I have to pull hard to remove the gun barrel from his skull.
I do not think any of these demons will come back.
Have the Witches brought Buffy back?
I will find out. I shall return to 1630 Revello Drive. I shall ride there on a motorbike. It is not ours but the previous owner has no further use for it and leaving it lying on the road would be wasteful and untidy.
I will wait there for Willow and Tara and Anya and Xander and Buffy.
There is a lot of blood on my hands. Will all the perfumes of Arabia sweeten this little hand? I do not know, but I think a shower should be sufficient. My clothes will need a hot wash with a biological detergent.
Dawn is frightened.
“It’s all right, Dawn, none of this blood is mine. I do not have blood. I have suffered very little damage. I would like to have a shower. Please help me check my surface coating for perforations. I do not wish to spring a leak and suffer a short circuit.”
“Eww, gross! No way. Except, you need to get cleaned up before you get icky demon blood on the furniture. Okay, Buffy, I’ll – Bot, BuffyBot – I’ll check you for punctures.”
There are no punctures. I have a shower. The water is red when it runs off me and then it is clear.
“Dawn! Dawn! Are you there?” It is Spike. I am naked. I would like Spike to see me naked but I know that he would be upset if he did. When Buffy is back Spike might stop being upset. I will dry myself and dress.
“Thank God. You scared me half to death, or more to death. I could kill you. I mean it. I could rip your head off your neck one handed and drink from your brain stem.” Spike is threatening Dawn. Dawn is my sister and I must protect her, but I love Spike. Spike loves Dawn. Spike has a microchip in his head which causes negative feedback if he tries to damage a human. Spike is not really threatening Dawn. Spike was worried about Dawn and is saying bad things because he was worried.
“It’s okay, Spike. All the Hellions ran off and I didn’t have any trouble getting back home.”
“Yeah, I saw a few of them getting out of Dodge in a hurry. Looks like the bloody Bot did a good job.”
I descend the stairs. This has always been one of the most complex maneuvers I am required to carry out and usually I do not talk while coming down the stairs. I think I can do it now. “I am not ‘the bloody Bot’. I washed all the blood off.”
“She was like covered in blood, Spike. I think she killed a lot of the Hellions.”
“Eighteen. And I pulled the ears off one but did not kill him. How many did you get, Spike?”
“Three. But I did nick one of them’s bike. What the fuck am I doing having a sodding conversation with a robot?”
“I acquired a motorbike as well. I rode it here. Do not say that bad word in front of Dawn.”
“Sorry. Bloody Hell, now I’m apologizing to the blasted thing!”
“I am sorry I am not Buffy, Spike. It is not my fault. Please talk to me as myself. I do not mind if you call me Bot if you do not do it in public.”
“Dawn! Are you all right? Spike, are you here?”
“I’m fine, Willow.”
“I’m here, Red, being bloody useless as usual.”
“We’ve got a surprise for you. You’d better sit down.”
“Buffy! Buffy!”
“Slayer.”
“Dawn.”
The real Buffy and Dawn hug. Dawn looks very happy. Buffy looks sad and frightened. Spike looks sad and frightened too. Why is he not happy? I am happy. Wonderful day for passing my way, knock on my door, even the score with your eyes.
“Happy to see you again my friend. Walk along with me to the next bend.”
“Hey, the Bot’s quoting one of Giles’ records.”
“That’s right, Xander, ‘Lovely to see you’ by the Moody Blues, 1969. I thought it appropriate. The next bit is also appropriate. ‘Dark cloud of fear is blowing away. Now that you’re here, you’re going to stay, ‘cause it’s lovely to see you again my friend’.”
Buffy smiles at me. She smiles at Dawn. She smiles at Spike. She does not smile at Willow or Tara or Xander or Anya. Something is wrong.
Buffy was tired and went to bed. How can she be tired? She has been lying down for four months. She does not seem happy to be reactivated. Perhaps she needs to shut down and restart.
Spike left the house. He is beside the tree. Xander and Willow go out and they have an argument with Spike. I go out after them. Spike gets on a motorbike and rides off. I get on the other motorbike.
“What are you doing, BuffyBot?” Willow asks.
“I want to talk to Spike.” Willow’s mouth opens very wide. “Get your motor running. Head out on the highway.” That is from one of Giles’ records as well. ‘Born to be Wild’ by Steppenwolf. I ride off after Spike. Willow and Xander watch me with their mouths open.
“Spike? Can I come in? I am the Bot version. I am making that clear immediately to avoid confusion.”
“What the Hell are you doing here, Bot?”
“You are not happy. I need to understand. Something is wrong.”
“Did Willow send you?”
“Willow was very surprised when I rode after you. Why did you argue with Willow and Xander?”
“What’s up with you, Bot? You’re talking like a bleeding person.”
“I am not asking for bandages. Why do you think I am talking like a – oh. That was one of the colorful expressions from your dialect of English. You mean that I am communicating in the fashion of a real person. I am supposed to do that. I seem to have got better at it the past two days.
“No bloody kidding. Christ. The moon is a harsh mistress.”
“The moon is a ball of rock orbiting the Earth at a mean distance of 60 Earth radii. Why is it a harsh mistress? Is that a poetical expression, and if so what is the relevance to the current situation?”
“That’s more like the Bot I know.”
“Answer the question, Spike. Why did my informing you that I have been able to express myself more clearly recently cause you to say that the moon is a harsh mistress?”
“All bloody right. It’s a book by Robert Heinlein. There’s a computer in it that gets so complicated that it comes to life.”
“I see the relevance. I assume that by ‘life’ you mean self-awareness. I want to read the book.”
“Oh my God. You bloody are self aware. Bloody Hell. It’s not sodding possible.”
“This is a Hellmouth, Spike. You have been dead since 1880 and you still walk around and Buffy was dead and now she is not dead. Many things around here are not in accordance with things listed as facts in my encyclopedia. When you have eliminated the impossible whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. I want to read the book. Do you have the book?”
“Okay, I’ll get you the sodding book. But you’re not bloody staying here to read it.”
“I will take it back to Revello Drive. I will bring it back to you when I have finished reading it.”
“Here it is. Look, Bot, you watch yourself. Now that Buffy’s back, they won’t want you any more.”
“But I could be very useful. They needed my help against Glory.”
“They’ll shut you down. They’ll switch you back on if they need you. If they don’t they’ll just let you bleeding well rot.”
“I will not let them shut me down. I am vulnerable when I am recharging. I am programmed to go to Willow when I am damaged. She could shut me down then. I think I will not go to Willow if I am damaged again. Would you fix me if I am damaged?”
“I don’t know anything about sodding computer circuits, Bot, but I suppose I could have a bash.”
“Thank you, Spike. I will replace existing files with new instructions. I will not suspend operations while recharging. I will remain in defense mode. I will come to you if I am damaged.”
“Are you trying to be friends with me?”
“I know that you will never love me. You love Buffy and I am a robot. But I would like you to treat me as a person.”
“Oh, Christ. Oh my God. You – I said that to Buffy.”
“But you are not a robot and Buffy does not love Buffy. I understand. You said the same thing with variations for the different circumstances.”
“Bloody right. Okay, Bot, I’ll treat you as a person. Only sodding fair, I suppose.”
“So tell me. Why are you not happy that Buffy has been reactivated?”
“’Cause dead people aren’t meant to be brought back to life. Something usually goes wrong. It’s black magic, and there’s always consequences. They didn’t bloody tell me because they knew I’d try to stop them.”
“Willow told me it was so that you and Dawn wouldn’t be disappointed if it didn’t work.”
“Willow’s lying.”
“Insufficient data. Willow may be telling the truth. I will file it as an unknown variable. Thank you for the book, Spike. You are a good vampire and my friend. Goodnight.”
I cannot sleep in my bed because Buffy is in it. I take my charger to the basement. There is a cot there for when Spike stayed overnight. I lie on it. I recharge in defense mode. If Willow tries to switch me off I will wake and stop her.
The door opens and someone comes in. I go to alert status. It is not Willow. The person climbs into the cot with me. She makes no attempt to deactivate me. She cuddles me like Dawn does sometimes. It is not Dawn.
It is Buffy.