I Was Made For Loving You Baby

Five: Dancing In The Streets.

(Takes place during S6.7 ‘Once More With Feeling’)

“I’ve got a theory
It must be Willow
And we’re all fucked because she screwed another spell up…”

I made my contribution to the song we had all broken into at the Magic Box.

Willow retaliated immediately. “I’ve got a theory you should shut your mouth!”

“I’m getting weary”, Giles put in. “Why don’t you two drop it or get out?”

Anya started singing about bunnies at that point and the impending argument between Willow and me was postponed for the moment.

I have problems reading the old books the gang use for research; my OCR can’t cope with the writing, not much of it is in clear fonts, so I manned (womanned? robotted?) the cash register when the gang settled down at the table. We didn’t have many customers. They must have been busy singing about mustard and dry cleaning, or just so wigged out by the singing and dancing that they were staying home. The research didn’t get anywhere anyway.

Dawn arrived after school and claimed to have given birth to a pterodactyl. She was joking but Anya and I both believed her at first. Really she had a normal day at school apart from singing about math. She saw a pretty pendant on the counter and asked if she could borrow it. I said she’d have to ask Anya. Anya said it was okay but if she broke or lost it she would have to pay for it. Giles said he would have to make sure it wasn’t magical before she could wear it, and he got Willow to check it out. I was very good and did not make any remarks. Willow said it had once been magical but was not magical any more, so Dawn was allowed to put it on. She was still wearing it when we went home.

Buffy and I patrolled together that evening. She asked me what my problem was with Willow.

“I’m scared of her,” I admitted. “She played a big part in bringing me to life, but it was by accident, and I’m worried in case she does something to cancel out what she did. Either deliberately or by another accident. I’m scared I’ll go back to being like I was. She doesn’t like me. I don’t do what she says. She liked me better when I was just a plain robot and she was the boss of us. Plus, she doesn’t like it that we spend time together.”

“She wouldn’t do anything to hurt you,” Buffy insisted, but she didn’t sound terribly convinced. “She’s a good person. She sometimes does things without thinking them through, but that’s all.”

“Things like bringing you back from Heaven. Things like forgetting to dig you up before she reactivated – resurrected? – you. If I hadn’t reminded her that you are an oxygen-breathing life form you’d have returned to life in your grave and probably died again.”

“What?” Buffy was wigged. I recounted the events immediately prior to her return and Buffy’s skin became a paler shade. “She was going to raise me in my coffin? God. That’s – ugh. Thanks for sparing me that.”

We might have talked longer but we heard a scream in the distance and went to investigate. We found the burned remains of a human body. There was no sign of any demons or vampires so we left it for the police but Buffy was upset.

She said she might call in on Spike and see if he had any ideas. I wasn’t happy about this but I wasn’t going to say anything; except that I found myself singing.

“Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy
I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy
Please don’t take him just because you can.

Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy
I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy
Please don’t take him even though you can
Buffy, Buffy.”

Buffy looked sad. “I’m not trying to take Spike away from you, Violet. I don’t want him. Not that way. I don’t mind him as a friend, but I don’t want a vampire lover.”

“I know. I’m just being a paranoid android. Go see Spike if you want.”

“Why don’t you go?” Buffy suggested.

I think I would have blushed if I’d been a human. “He asked me to stay away. I came on to him a bit too strong when we were on our Vegas trip.” That was one way of putting it; true, but not the whole story. “He wants me to give him space. I think I might have spoiled our friendship. He doesn’t seem comfortable with me now unless Dawn or Giles is around.”

“Oh. Well, really not qualified to give advice here.” Buffy looked a bit nervous, and then broke into a smile. “Let’s not bother Spike tonight. We’ll go to Willy’s and hit demons until they tell us something useful.”

“Sounds like we have a plan.”

We didn’t find out anything useful from the demons. We didn’t get round to hitting them. Some of the demons were ones with whom we had played kitten poker and they were friendly. It didn’t seem right to hit them. The wrinkly-skinned one who had lent kittens to me and Spike is really nice and watches a lot of TV. His name is Clem. We talked about ‘The Simpsons’ and ‘Futurama’ while Buffy was asking about the singing spell. Actually we sang a song about TV cartoon shows, which was weird, but nothing bad happened. None of the demons knew much about what was going on anyway, only that they had heard of a demon Lord of the Dance who could be summoned and might do stuff like what was going on, but they didn’t know his name or how to summon him or how to get rid of him. So we went home.

***

The next day we found out that there had been more burnt human bodies found during the night than just the one we had seen. Giles had seen one as well, and it wasn’t the same one, and he’d heard the police talking – even singing – enough to find out that there had been at least three. They’d burned up from the inside. We wondered if it might have something to do with the singing spell but just didn’t know.

We saw people all over town dancing and singing. It was fun in some ways but scary in others. Suppose I had sung that ‘I’ll be your substitute’ song to Spike instead of to the empty street? It would have made him even more annoyed with me. The song I’d sung to Buffy didn’t seem to have caused any problems but I would still rather not have sung it. Xander and Anya had sung a song to each other which had upset them both. Willow and Tara had sung a song to each other which had obviously sorted out whatever problem they’d had on Halloween night and they were all lovey dovey with each other again. So, not really seeing a good side here.

I spent most of the day with Giles helping him research. I went on the Internet for him while he looked at books. There were 150,000 references for ‘Lord of the Dance’ and most of them were about Michael Flatley, or about a song, or about the Hindu god Shiva. There were a few items which might have been relevant, such as the article about the demon Agares, Lord of the Dance, who rode on a crocodile and could cause earthquakes. I printed those ones out and gave them to Giles. He told me to keep my eyes open for crocodiles.

Xander hung round the shop most of the day as well because he had shut down his construction site in case the workers started singing and dancing and caused accidents. He is not good at research and he just got in the way. It is half Anya’s shop and she is his fiancée, and it is not my shop at all, so I could not tell him to go away. So I had a quiet word with Anya and offered to look after the shop so she could go home early and boink Xander. She was pleased and they did that. I got what I wanted, which was Xander out of the shop, and Anya thought I was being nice instead of selfish. Maybe I could try that with Willow instead of fighting with her. I want my power socket redesigned so that I can charge up while I’m active. She could do that. If I asked her nicely and said how clever she was and made myself act as if I trusted her maybe she would do it.

Willow turned up at the shop after they finished classes. She had done some research on the Internet and had found out the same things as I had found out. I was very good and did not say anything about having beaten her to it. Unfortunately Giles did. Willow glared at me.

Buffy came in a bit later, after dark. She had already been round to see Spike, and he had sung a song to her, but I didn’t know that then. She and Giles went into the training room, and Willow and I were left alone together. We did some more research, separately, in silence apart from the sound of a big musical number being performed by Giles in the training room, avoiding looking at each other. Then Xander and Anya came in and started talking to us. Xander talked mostly to Willow and just said “Hi, Vi” to me; Anya talked only to me and ignored Willow. Willow got annoyed and started singing.

“Now look at that sexbot, made for fornication
A mass of circuits and a fake pussy
That ain’t living, it’s an imitation
Useful for nothin’ but to annoy me
Now that ain’t living, it’s just automation
Lemme tell ya you guys are dumb
Wasting time with robots pretending to be human
Wasting time with robots designed to come

You’ve got the brains of a microwave oven
A total waste of electricity
Not as cool as a refrigerator
Not as pretty as a color TV…”

I struck back.

“You shoulda learned to use a computer
You shoulda learned to surf the web
Look at that Wicca; I beat you to the info
And I know better than to raise the dead.
Think you’re a hacker? I think you’re pathetic
Bangin’ on the keyboard like a chimpanzee
That ain’t searchin’, not the way you do it
Without magic you’re nothin’ and your friends agree.

Now that ain’t searchin’, not the way you do it
You play with Google on a Web TV
And that ain’t fucking, not the way you do it
Honey you’re nothin’ but a witch to me
Honey you’re nothin’ but a bitch to me”

And then we sang the finale together in chorus:

“You are my, you are my, you are my enemy
You are my, you are my, you are my enemy.”

While we were singing Tara came into the shop and climbed the stairs to the book loft. I don’t think Willow saw her. I didn’t pay much attention to her myself. Buffy and Giles came out of the training room. Giles went up to the loft to join Tara, still singing, and Tara and he sang a duet up there but I couldn’t decipher what they sang because I was busy. Buffy listened to me and Willow singing and she looked upset. And then Spike came in.

Spike had a prisoner; a creature like a living doll. A wooden man with a wooden head who could walk and talk. He might have been a robot but I think it was magic that made him alive.

“Looky looky what I found,” Spike announced.

“Is – is this the demon guy?” Tara asked.

“Has he got a crocodile?” I asked.

Willow called out to Tara but Tara didn’t respond to her and Willow looked surprised.

“Works for him,” Spike explained. “Has a nice little story for the Slayers, don’t you? Come on then,” he pushed the puppet man towards us, “Sing.”

Buffy looked at me when Spike said ‘Slayers’ and she didn’t look happy. But then she often didn’t look happy so there might not have been any significance to her look.

The wooden man spoke. “My master has the Slayer’s sister hostage at the Bronze because she summoned him and at midnight he’s going to take her to the Underworld to be his Queen.”

“What does he want?” Giles enquired.

“Her!” the puppet said, pointing at me. “Or maybe her,” he added uncertainly, pointing at Buffy. “Whichever one’s the Slayer.”

Spike started to laugh and let go of the puppet man. He jumped away and ran out of the door. “Bugger!” Spike exclaimed.

“So, Dawn’s in trouble,” Buffy remarked. “Must be Tuesday.”

“Yes, it is. Tuesday November the sixth 2001,” I told her. “6.56 pm.” She gave me a funny look again. So did everybody else. I had not understood something. Willow looked as if she was laughing at me inside. I did not like that. It was not my fault if I did not know everything.

There was a discussion about what we should do. Giles said he thought Buffy should go alone to the Bronze to fight the demon. Everybody was surprised at that. We had all expected to go together. Giles said he thought Buffy was shirking her responsibilities and needed to relearn self reliance.

Spike said that Giles was being a stupid git. Giles said perhaps, but Spike was hardly giving an objective opinion. “You must do as you think best, Spike, but I feel you and Violet have been making it far too easy for Buffy since her return. She will never learn to stand on her own feet if you two are with her at every turn.”

“We could just help her a little,” Willow suggested. “A little confusion spell could-”

“No!” Tara interrupted vehemently. I was surprised. Tara wasn’t usually that forceful. “I – I mean, I don’t think it would help,” she concluded, returning to her normal gentle manner.

“She’d probably confuse us instead of the demons,” I agreed. Willow glared at me. Tara gave me a very sad look. I think Tara agreed with me but was unhappy because Willow was unreliable and Tara loved her.

“Look, forget them, Slayer,” Spike said to Buffy. “We’ve got your back. Come on, Vi.”

“Giles might be right,” I told him, staying where I was. Spike looked hurt.

“I thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Isn’t that what you sang?” Buffy said to Spike.

“Spike sing a widdle song?” Xander mocked.

“Would you say it was a breakaway pop hit or more of a book number?” Anya asked.

“Let it go, sweetie,” Xander advised her.

“You sang to Buffy?” I asked. I wanted to know more. Why had Spike asked Buffy to stay away? When he asked me to stay away it was because I slept with him. What had she done?

Spike ignored me. “Fine!” he snapped at Buffy. “I hope you dance till you burn. You and the Little Bit.” He turned and stormed out.

I was upset. Spike wouldn’t really let Dawn burn, would he? Surely not. He was just angry and he said nasty things when he was angry, like when he’d said he could rip her head off her neck one handed and drink from her brain stem. He hadn’t meant it then and I was sure he didn’t mean it now.

“You’re really not coming?” Buffy asked Giles, and then turned to me. “Vi?” I hesitated, and she turned away.

“It’s up to you, Buffy,” Giles replied. There were two possible meanings to that. He might have meant that it was her responsibility to defeat the demon, or that it was her decision as to whether she did it alone or took us with her. I did not know which he meant.

“What do you expect me to do?” Buffy asked.

“Your best,” Giles told her. Buffy looked at him for a moment and then walked out into the street.

***

We started arguing as soon as she’d gone. I wanted to apologize to Willow for the things I had said in the song. It had been rude, and it was not logical. Willow was dangerous and I was frightened of her and it was not clever to make her even more of an enemy. I did not get the chance to apologize.

Before long we found ourselves singing again. We were just singing odd lines, as if we were joining in someone else’s song without being able to hear the soloist. I turned my hearing up and could just detect Buffy singing in the distance but the noise from the others was much too loud and I had to turn it down again because it hurt.

I didn’t have any solo lines, only joining in with the choruses. Willow sang one line “I think the robot’s out of kilter”, but the rest of the song I think was about Buffy, although I think there were hidden meanings in some of the lines which I didn’t understand.

We left the Magic Box and sang our way along the street towards the Bronze. When we arrived we saw a car parked outside which was very low and wide and looked like a racing car. It was painted to look like a crocodile. It had four interlocked rings on it, which meant that it was an Audi, and a sticker which said that it had won the Le Mans Series ‘Race of a Thousand Years’, Adelaide, Australia, 2000. I suppose the demon must have got with the times. It must have been much faster and more comfortable than riding a large amphibious armored reptile.

The door of the Bronze had been knocked down and we went in. Dawn was sitting on a chair like a throne beside a red demon in a nice suit. He was very smart. Dawn was in a pretty dress but looked a bit frightened. Buffy was there, singing and dancing. There were three of the puppet men but Buffy had broken them and they were lying on the floor not moving.

Giles sent Anya and Tara to give Buffy back up. They joined her in the dance and sang backing vocals. The rest of us just watched. We couldn’t do anything which didn’t fit in with the song and dance. This was very strange but I suppose you have got to expect that sort of thing with magic.

Buffy sang a song about not being happy about not being dead any more and she revealed that she had been in Heaven. Willow and Xander looked very upset. Then Buffy began to dance so fast that smoke started to come from her. Suddenly Spike rushed in and charged towards her, and I found I could move and did the same thing, and each of us caught her by one arm and stopped her.

Spike sang, “Life’s not a song. Life isn’t bliss. Life is just this; it’s living. You’ll get along. The pain that you feel, you can only heal, by living.”

I joined him on the next lines. “You have to go on living, so one of us is living.”

Dawn stood up and said “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”

Buffy’s eyes were very wide and she did not look happy but she had stopped trying to dance until she caught fire.

The demon said he was disappointed at how it had worked out, but now he would take Dawn to his realm. Everyone objected but the demon said that she had summoned him and that was how the rules worked.

Dawn said she had not summoned him. The demon said he knew she had summoned him because she was wearing his talisman. It was the pendant she had borrowed from the Magic Box. Dawn and I and Anya all explained that Dawn was just borrowing it and that she had not worn it until after the singing had already started.

The demon wanted to know who had really summoned him. Everybody looked at Willow but Xander put up his hand. He said he hadn’t meant to cause any trouble or do any summoning but had just wished that there would be some singing and dancing to cheer people up because people, especially Buffy, had been depressed. He asked if he would have to be the demon’s queen but the demon said that he would let it pass. The demon must not have been gay. Xander looked relieved. The demon sang a little song about all our secrets coming out and vanished.

Dawn sang, “Where do we go from here?”

Buffy, Spike, and I sang “Where do we go from here?”

Giles sang, “The battle’s done and we kind of won.” Tara joined in and they both sang “so we sound our victory cheer. Where do we go from here?”

Anya and Xander sang a line, and then we all stood in a line and sang together. After a few lines Spike said “Bugger this!” and walked out. Buffy followed him. I wanted to go too but somehow I had to keep singing with the group.

A minute later I found that I could move of my own volition and I left the singing group and went out after Spike and Buffy. The crocodile car had gone. I walked a little way along the street and saw Spike and Buffy.

They were kissing.

Everything went black and I fell down. It felt as if my motherboard had been ripped from my body. I shut down and stopped thinking.

“Oh, goody, the robot’s broken down.” It was Willow’s voice. I stood up. 148 seconds had elapsed and Spike and Buffy had gone. Everyone else had come out of the Bronze and were looking at me.

“No such luck,” I told her. “I had a temporary malfunction. I’m fine now.”

“Do you need any help?” Giles offered.

“No thank you. I am in perfect working order,” I assured him. I did a back-flip to prove it. “See? I think I will take Dawn home now. It has been a hard day and I think she needs a meal. After I have prepared the meal I will recharge.”

“Are you sure you’re all right? Your voice sounds strange.”

“I have much information to process. I am not bothering to multi-task to give my voice the correct inflections,” I explained. “Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.” I switched more processing power to manipulating my voice files. “Come on, Dawn, let’s blow this scene.”

***

Things were a bit awkward all round over the next couple of days. I did not tell Buffy that I had seen her kissing Spike. I did not get a chance to talk to Spike alone so I didn’t mention it to him either. Tara and Willow must have had a fight because they were not really talking to each other and I do not think they were having lesbian sex. Buffy was upset with Giles. Willow was upset because she had found out that she had pulled Buffy out of Heaven.

I did not get a chance to apologize to Willow and I began to make alternative plans to modify my recharging socket. I bought an external hard disk and a CD-RW drive and started keeping multiple back ups of important files and memories. I told Dawn and Giles and Spike about them so that they could help me retrieve them if I was damaged and lost data.

It never occurred to me that that might not be enough.

***