Title: Breathing Space
Written by: Voirrey
Timeframe: Episode 18 “Dust Part One: Frog on the
Breathing Space.
As I lie here in bed, alone, my mind
goes back again over the last couple of days.
After we rescued Sally, and left
We dropped everyone off at home, one
by one, Roxy’s parents were glad to welcome her back from her ’It’s a Slayer
thing’ trip to America – I wonder how
much of the trip she told them about ?
They are remarkably laid back about the whole thing, as long as she
finds time for school work! Still any
couple who call their daughter Roxanne are probably not totally conventional, I
suppose!
Eventually Jack and I ended up
sitting up on my settee talking for most of what was left of the night – Sam is
still in the spare room, and I told Grace to have my bed, and I’d have the
settee, as my body clock was still mixed up from the States. We talked and we talked – no, nothing
else! We talked about the trip to the
States of course – in more detail than we’d managed by e-mail and phone, or the
brief time at Newcastle when we weren’t planning Sally’s rescue or getting
involved in our own more physical ‘Thank Goodness you are still in one piece’
celebrations!
Jack wanted to know more about the
people we had met, especially the souled vampires (who are reasonably defined
as people, I have decided, in my official capacity as Acting Head of the
Watchers Council, after all I definitely
regard Jack as a person!). Spike, I
think, is the easiest and most straightforward – although I gather that he has
purposely climbed down the social ladder during his time as a vampire! Everyone in Sunnydale regarded him as an
uneducated punk, and yet he speaks a wide variety of languages – Jack
interrupted to point out that so does he, you pick them up on your travels
unless you try hard not to, over centuries.
I continued that Spike’s include Latin and classical Greek – and working
class schools in the nineteenth century didn’t usually teach them! Also, from the odd quotation dropped into
conversation, he is very well read, particularly the classics, and poetry. Actually Dawn seemed more aware of his
education – he helps her with homework – but it hadn’t struck her as unusual
knowledge for a Victorian working class lad!
Drake I felt I knew less well than
Spike – I saw less of him for a start.
He was still having trouble coping with the guilt associated with
regaining a soul, not only guilt at everything he had done as a vampire – he
was always a fairly restrained one as his own personality was as strong as the
demon – but guilt at having gained a soul at the cost of his friend’s life, and
the loss of Kat. He wasn’t really at his
best during the time in the underworld I think, and then he got guiltier when
things didn’t go perfectly (like the phosphorus grenade incident!). He will probably get himself together better
now that Kat is rescued and he can help in the fight with The First, as I’m
sure they are not immune to The First in Pittsburgh.
Angel is a tightly bound up ball of
angst! He tries so hard to always do The
Right Thing, permanently agonises about atonement for his wrong-doings, and has
to avoid anything that would make him happy enough to forget them! Without his soul he was, and still can be,
one of the most evil of vampires, and his soul was after all meant to be a
curse not a blessing. He was very
surprised to find that there were other souled vampires (especially Spike), as
he had always presumed that The Great Prophecy about A Vampire With A Soul
having a major role in The Apocalypse (the way Angel said it implied the
capitals!) was about him. I think he was
a bit peeved to think it might be someone else actually! I’m afraid that we might find out whether it
is him or one of the others sooner than we would like to!
Actually, as I was talking about
them to Jack I realised that the difference between all of them maybe less to
do with their own personalities than with how they got their souls, although I
suppose THAT has to do with their personalities anyway. Jack’s simply reattached itself to him, it is
an integral part of him, which he wasn’t really aware of the presence or loss
of – he is simply the person he has always been, and that is chaotic neutral
enough for his demon to go along with it!
Drake got his soul as a by-product
of his own personality being stronger than his demon, at least at that moment,
and trying to sacrifice himself to save Kat.
Spike has his soul because he wanted it, or at least wanted something
to stop him doing what he saw as bad or evil things (and how many ordinary
vampires actually think about the concept of good and evil?). I think that’s why he’s the easiest and most
straightforward of all of them, now he’s recovered from the big guilt trip.
Angel, on the other hand, did not
want his soul. The soulless Angelus
would do anything to avoid it. Although as
Angel he feels as though he is in charge of himself, and is A Good Guy, he has
a constant battle going on inside him all the time as the demon is still
there, as is Jack’s, or Spike’s or Drake’s – but Angel is not able to
overcome his by his personality – without a soul he has no control, and so
the logical conclusion, rightly or wrongly, is that he has at best a weak
personality, and at worst an evil one!
Perhaps he must wonder sometimes whether it is even his own soul he has,
or someone better’s! Actually I’m sure
it is his, and he is capable of being a good person, but part of the curse is
to keep him as guilty as possible.
Basically ‘Some are born with souls’ (well Jack only lost it very
briefly), ‘Some earn souls’ (that covers Drake and Spike I think), and ‘Some
have a soul thrust upon them!’
They are all a lot younger than Jack
though. I had to say that I don’t think
that any of them have started to worry about what Jack told me frightened
him. It is why the Mohra blood is so
important to him. If Rosa, Teresa and
Gabriella were not exactly souled vampires, they were something very
similar. They seemed to be able to
control their demons very well, and yet eventually
Jack says that she had been like
that for the last fifty years or so, somewhere between total demon and a human
with Alzheimer’s. It was why they had
not been together for that time, as she was no longer the person he had known
and loved – she no longer had any emotional response to him at all either- she
had no real emotions any more. He had
mourned her loss fifty years ago, and so had felt it much less than Teresa and
Gabriella when she was eventually dusted.
Jack said that his biggest fear is
becoming like that, and he was already an old vampire, how much longer could he
go on without becoming like
We talked about our recent rescue of
Sally. Jack thought that probably the
blood had been Mark Naylor’s; he had been turned into a vampire on the spot,
and probably not with his consent! This
would have made him easier to control, for the triad, and when he lost blood as
it spurted out (they feed, or turn, by slashing at the jugular with those
fingernails, and then drinking, rather than having fangs), it would add to the
impression that Sally had attacked someone.
Goodness knows about the vampire dust, Sally was too drugged to know
much about it, but is fairly sure that she didn’t dust anything. They are nasty enough to have just staked a
couple of their own so that it added to the confusion.
Then we talked again about the
bottles we had collected from that underground ‘laboratory’ in Stowell Street,
which Jenny had identified as Mohra blood, were-lynx blood, were-lynx bile and
potions of healing and invulnerability.
How long would they be likely to last for? Would it be ethically correct to use potions
which contained Sally-products? And the
big question – should Jack try to turn himself back into a human with the Mohra
blood? And if so, should he do it straight
away? Would he be weakening our strength
in the fight against The First, and his allies, and, if so, was it fair to
try? Did I want him to try?
Oh Jack, what a difficult question! I had been thinking about this ever since we
picked up the bottles. Could I say that
I would feel any different about him if he was human? I didn’t know that I would – he is Jack and I
don’t really think a lot about WHAT he is any more. If he remained as he was, we would probably
drift apart as I got older and he didn’t – or we would reach the point where
people would think he was my grandson.
But I can’t say whether we would stay together for life – at the moment
I find it hard to see much beyond the next couple of weeks, until we win or
lose whatever is coming next, and next, and next. I do know that I can’t visualise that far
into the future without Jack in it, and at the moment any vague thoughts I have
about The Council, Watcher Training, and so on in the future also have Jack in
them. I cannot, at the moment anyway,
see a time when I would meet someone who would be better for me than Jack – as
a person as well as a lover! He is the
only person that I can admit my doubts and fears to – he is the Watcher’s
Watcher!
If he did turn himself back it was
very likely that his personal magical abilities would go as well, so would some
of his strength. He would be vulnerable
to normal injury and being able to cope with a stake through the heart or being
beheaded without turning into a pile of dust is hardly an advantage – it just
makes it easier to have a funeral! But
if he wanted to do this, and didn’t because he might lower our strength as a
group, how could he not resent it, and keep thinking back about giving up the
chance? Actually, with my Watcher hat
on, it occurred to me that that scenario would be very likely to make him
vulnerable to The First – bad for us, and probably even worse for Jack.
What if he tried and it went
wrong? What if the Mohra blood was
already past its use by date? How would
I cope without him? How would we all
cope without him? But if he really felt
that he wanted to take the chance, then I couldn’t say anything that might
sound as if I wanted him to stay as he was.
All these thoughts whirled around, and I tried to put them into words. Basically the answer had to be ‘If you want
to do this for yourself, you must do it.
If you want to do this for me, I am very honoured. I could never do anything to stop you doing
this, as long as you have thought about any risks involved, and you are happy
to take them. Just
don’t do it without me there!’
……………
In the end, Jack decided that he had
to ask everyone how they felt about it, Roxy, the other Slayers, James, and
everyone else. We asked them all around
on Sunday afternoon to talk about it. James
was quite definite that he could not say anything to influence Jack’s decision
– it had to be his alone, but others had less scruples and more input.
Teresa answered Jack’s question very
truthfully – it was a painful transition. Gabriella warned him about possible physical
problems, but both said that they would not choose to go back to being
vampires. Louise worried that he might
lose his magical abilities – that would weaken him and he might really miss
them, had he thought about it? Roxy on
the other hand said what some of the others had probably thought – could he
just put the Mohra blood in the freezer or something, and use it after the
apocalypse please? Or could he not just
wait for the next Mohra demon to come along, as they seemed to be as frequent
as buses.
Pause in conversation whilst I explained
that they are major league warriors of the Apocalypse – the very fact that we
have bumped into two of them in a few months is a rather unpleasant warning
that said Apocalypse really could be just around the corner. Wait till afterwards, and if they won we
probably won’t be in any position to get blood out of one, and if we win, there
won’t be any of them about!
Eventually everyone agrees (some
possibly with their fingers crossed behind their backs) that Jack must be
guided by his heart; at least he could be if it was beating! Otherwise he must be guided by some other
part of his anatomy, but the choice must be his. Jack however, I think, felt that there were
worries about his warrior status if he re-turned to
human, possibly some of them even his own, and decided that he needed Roxy to
help him make his final decision!
Jack did not want to become a
liability to the group in the battles with The First et al, but was fairly sure
that although he would have less strength, and slower reflexes, he would still
be fairly intimidating; after all he had been fighting and training as a
warrior for over four hundred years.
However a fight with Roxy, in the daylight (when his ring keeps him
safe, but he has only his human strength and reflexes), would be a good way of
settling the question for both himself and everyone else.
So we all retired to the yard behind
my shop, formed a ring, and the fight began!
Goodness knows what the neighbours must have thought! Jack won.
He was pretty lucky, but he quite definitely managed to beat a Slayer in
unarmed combat. Proof positive, that as a
human he would still be a formidable warrior.
As we went back into the building Roxy was muttering to Donna that she
would have been able to turn the fight around if she had got one good kick to
his goolies. Jack’s hearing is fairly
astute even outdoors, indoors it is of course vampire sharp – he said he was
extremely glad she’d not got the move in, but it was an excellent
strategy! Roxy looked only slightly
shamefaced!
……………
It was clear, from both Teresa’s
experience, and from the texts and tomes, that for Mohra blood to return a
vampire to human, it has to be mixed into the vampires own blood. We had still got syringes and needles
‘acquired’ by Jack for possible use on the Sally-lynx, with which the blood
could be given to him intra-muscularly, but would that mix it into his own well
enough? We could ask Sally (who hadn’t
joined the discussion about Jack’s humanity/vampirism; she’d said it was up to
him, and if we didn’t mind, she had a lot of cleaning up and catching up to
do).
Perhaps intra-venous would be
better? ‘How well does vampire blood
flow?’ someone asked. ‘Well enough to
bleed,’ came a chorus of Watchers, Slayers and Vampire!
Eventually Jack decided that he just
wanted everyone to wish him luck, and he would just go back to his hotel room
and do things his own way, but could I come with him, in case anything went
wrong, and so that he would have someone to celebrate with when it worked? Not to mention that I had said don’t dare do
it without me!
By the time the talking was over,
and we got back to Jack’s room, it was dusk.
‘Wait in here, Cass, whilst I go into the bathroom,’
Jack said, ‘this is going to be a bit messy.’
Before I could ask how he was going to do it, he produced a fairly
lethal looking knife. ‘I’ve had plenty
of cuts in my day, Cass, this’ll be easiest’, he said. ‘Be very careful then,’ I said, ‘Remember
that as the effect of the Mohra cuts in, you will not immediately heal any more
– you could just bleed to death. I don’t
want to have to rush you to hospital as an attempted suicide! Imagine spending your first heart-beating
night attached to a monitor, probably getting cross questioned by a shrink! If he got you to discuss your childhood he’d
either have you locked up, or decide he was going mad himself!’
Jack laughed, but pointed out that
the injuries Teresa had sustained at the claws of the one Gabriella had shot,
had healed instantly - if the Mohra
blood could heal vampirism it could definitely heal any cut he made to mix it
with his own blood. I think I may have
blushed! How stupid of me! Jack looked at my face and laughed again –
‘Cass, I take it as a compliment – Cass the girlfriend speakin’ before Cass the
Watcher thought! Mind I definitely don’t
want to spend the night with a shrink!’
With that parting shot, Jack headed
into the bathroom, leaving me on the couch, then pacing backwards and forwards
as quietly as possible, waiting, listening, and praying to all The Powers That
Be that nothing would go wrong.
For what seemed like an age there
was almost no sound from the bathroom, then came the retching – which I had
expected, as both Gabriella and Teresa had vomited up any blood in their
stomach, but then came awful sounds, sounds of Jack gasping for breath,
choking, coughing, the sound of someone drowning, or dying! I dashed to the bathroom door, but Jack was
gasping that he was fine, not to come in, yet the choking and retching
continued, and it was hard not to open the door. I reassured myself that as long as he was
choking and gulping in air, he was surely alive, and slowly I could hear his
breathing getting calmer, although still ragged. Then came running water, and Jack saying he
was having a shower, but he’d be fine.
Eventually he opened the bathroom
door, and stood there tousled and slightly flushed after his shower – yes
definitely slightly flushed, and as he grinned and grabbed me around the waist
his breath was warm on my cheek. When I
placed my hand flat on his chest I could feel a steady reassuring heartbeat – I
was no more the Watcher with the Vampire lover!
Then we were both trying to talk at
once - me to make sure he was fine, and to find out what had happened to make
him sound as if he couldn’t breathe, him saying over and over that he was
ravenous – he’d have to have food, or he was sure that he’d die of starvation! In the end he talked as he dressed – boxers
were not acceptable wear in the hotel restaurant, unless covered by
trousers!
He had not been able to breathe
because his lungs were full of coal dust!
Years down mines between wars over the centuries, making money and
avoiding the sunlight! Fortunately the
Mohra blood does its damnedest to make all bodily functions perfect, and so his
lungs had tried to eject the coal dust, and his lung tissue had tried to renew
itself at the same time. Now his
breathing sounded fine, he could take deep draughts of air easily, no wheezing
or coughing – but it must have been terrifying at the time – to think that the
only breaths he might take would be trying to inflate lungs that simply
wouldn’t function.
Then dinner. I do not think that I have EVER eaten with
someone so appreciative of his food.
What to taste first? Jack had
eaten whenever we had gone out together, but his body hadn’t processed it, and
he said that the flavours were as if they were echoes of flavours, muffled as a
drum at a funeral. In the end, nothing
exotic to start with, but broth! The
food of his childhood! Then beef and all
the trimmings – and Jack enthusing over the taste of potato, both roast and
mashed, because although it had been the staple food of
Of course we had to check out that
all systems worked! How could we not
celebrate with sex? So much the same as
before, so much different! Jack’s lips,
and hands and cock, warm not cool. His
breath warm, where it tickled my skin, and coming in gasps shorter and harder
as he came closer and closer to his climax – yes he had blown on my skin
before, but before, breathing was an option – before, he was as likely to stop
altogether as to have it come harder and faster as we moved harder and faster. We had not been lovers so long that we had
known everything about each other anyway, and now there were new things to
learn – and the realisation that Jack’s come was no longer crystal clear – the
Mohra blood meant that his full reproductive system was already completely
functional – have to do something about that!
Eventually we slept – Jack’s body needing
sleep, rather than it being a way of filling the time. Then came the morning. Jack leapt out of bed, rushed to the window,
and flung it open, to breath in the sunshine scented morning air.
That is when it happened. That is why I am lying here alone in Jack’s
bed.
Well if you had not tasted bacon in
hundreds of years, and the aroma of it was the first thing that reached your
nostrils when you opened the window, could you have resisted and come
back to bed?
Jack couldn’t!!